Metro - A Necessary Evil

I commute to work daily by train. My safe passage to and from my place of employment comes courtesy of the Washington Metropolitan Transit Authority also known as the Metro. I used to drive to work on a daily basis but an increase in parking fees drove me to public transportation. In the years that I have been taking the Metro, I've come to view it as a necessary evil. Recently the fares increased by ten cents. Last year there was a terrible accident which has left Metro riddled with law suits and a less than dashing reputation.

Every day is an adventure on the Metro train. Despite the rowdy kids to the smelly overcrowded trains, I always find something to amuse or annoy me. What really annoys me is when I get squeezed in my seat by a fat person. I'm a big girl that knows her place and her own girth. Nothing annoys me more when a fellow fatty squeezes into the seat next to me. I know good and well that they see my big ass already squeezed up into the seat with my backpack on my lap and my recycle lunch bag between my knees. Why in the hell do they decide to squeeze in with me? Sometimes, I try to use my mental abilities to will those seat-seeking fatties to go past my seat and find someone else to make miserable. Sometimes my Jedi mind tricks work, other times they fail. I also use my Jedi mind trick to will skinny people to share the seat with me. It's much more comfortable that way. The other day, a fat lady squeezed next to me on my morning ride to work. Aside from cutting off my air supply, she also managed to infuse my whole left side with her cigarette smoke residue. So much for my morning spritz of Blue Egyptian Musk.

The funniest thing that ever happened to me on the Metro occurred two years ago: This lady and her friend got on the train and took one of the double seats. I noticed one of the ladies, whom I will call Maxi (you'll see why shortly)right away because she was carrying a big white and red leather purse. I couldn't help but wonder why Maxi was carrying this big ass white leather purse in January (it was waaaaaaaaaaaay out of season) and the purse DID NOT MATCH her outfit AT ALL. She was wearing brown and black. My inner diva was appalled. Once Maxi got comfortable, she started pulling stuff out of the bag. Among her trinkets, she pulled out a super-sized sanitary napkin! I was like "What the fuck?" At that point, Maxi saw me staring at her in awe, so I pretended to close my eyes as if I was going to sleep. I figured that she did not mean to pull that item out, but I had noticed that the pad was unwrapped. Soon after placing the pad back in her purse, Maxi pulled out compact. At this point, I started to go into to shock because she already had on waaaaaaaaay too much makeup. The thought of her piling on more made me want to get up and run off of the train. Maxi opened the compact and proceeded to check her makeup. I guess that she thought that her foundation needed blotting. To my surprise and sheer horror, Maxi pulled the sanitary napkin back out of her purse and blotted her makeup with it!!!!!!

(I know that you may find this hard to believe, but I swear before Jesus and all of the saints that this really happened.)

Forget it, by this time I decided to continue being ghetto and I was staring Maxi right in her face. While she was wiping away, I looked at the pad and noticed that it was caked up with a lot of makeup. Damn it! This was a normal practice for Maxi. I know that Maxi could feel my eyes burning into her behind her compact. I guess that she started to feel ashamed, because she turned to her friend to justify her use of a personal hygiene product as a makeup accessory. I was flabbergasted! Just as quickly as she whipped out her compact and Always Super Plus, she put them back in her big as white and red carry-on. After finishing her beauty ritual, Maxi pulled out a tube of lotion and greased herself down until she had a Hi-Pro glow. I guess that she felt as if her friend needed a little glamorizing as well. She handed the tube of lotion to her accomplice, but unlike Maxi she didn't have time to groom herself on the train. Maxi and Mini had reached their destination. Maxi grabbed her carry-on and scurried off of the train. I sure hope that Maxi runs into someone that give her real guidance on fashion (White handbags in the dead of winter are a strict no no) and makeup (She could purchase a bag of makeup sponges of any variety at any drug store for 99 cents).

Metro opens doors and exposes you to the weirdest things.